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June 2008

Couples Choose Islam before Culture
By Amel S. Abdullah

“O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise each other). Verily the most honored of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).” [Qur’an 49:13]

In this ayah (verse) of the Qur’an, the principles of brotherhood, racial equality and cultural tolerance that Islam calls for are laid out for Muslims and non-Muslims alike. While there are many ways to “know” another nation or tribe – through travel, study, interfaith dialogue, trade relations and friendship – perhaps one of the most effective means of cross-cultural exchange comes through cross-cultural marriage, whereby spouses not only get to learn firsthand about another culture, but often gain new perspectives on their own habits, traditions and beliefs as well.

“It really helps you see what aspects of your life are cultural and what aspects are Islamic,” said Bilal Khan, a software developer who was born in Canada to Indian parents and is married to Jewelle, a Filipino-American who embraced Islam in mid-2005. “Being able to see this and blend together two cultures really helps make your deen (religion) much stronger.”

The couple, who lives in Woodland Hills, California along with their infant son, first met in geometry class in high school. Their friendship continued for nearly seven years, during which Jewelle, now 25, became interested in Islam when she started to question the teachings of Catholicism, the religion she had been raised in. “The fact that we came from different cultures never really came into play in our decision to marry,” explained Bilal, who is 24 and has lived in the United States for most of his life. “I think this is because we would both really consider our cultural background to be American rather than Filipino or Indian.”

Couples Make Islam their Culture

For Reem Abdul-Latif, 28, a Pakistani-American who lives in Garden Grove, California, the decision to marry Ahmed, a computer software engineer from Syria who immigrated to the United States in 1989, came just one month after they met through mutual friends earlier this year. “His personality is similar to mine,” said Reem, who is a director at a non-profit organization. “We got married because we fell in love with each other for the person each of us is, not really looking at each other through any culture lenses, but through Islamic expectations. Insha’Allah (God willing), we will have a successful marriage because of that.”

By using an “Islamic lens,” Muslim couples are finding that they can overcome their cultural differences, choosing to make Islam their culture instead. “We use our knowledge of Islam to steer clear of anything that runs contrary to Islam – on both sides,” remarked Maryam Sa’eed, 28, who lives in Irvine, California and says that culture has never been an obstacle in her five-year marriage to Hamzah, an Egyptian. “[One of the benefits to this type marriage is] being able to focus on Islam and being Muslim rather than on being from a specific group or nationality,” said Maryan, a Pakistani-American who is herself the product of a cross-cultural marriage.

Respect: A Key Ingredient in any Relationship

“What makes a marriage work, whether or not the two parties share the same cultural background, is respect,” added Aida “Aishah” Nunez, 30, who came to the United States from Mexico in 1990 and lives in Tustin, California with her Pakistani-born husband Moeen, whom she met during Jummah (congregational) prayers at the Pakistani embassy in Mexico City. “If one is disrespectful, selfish and cannot view things from another person’s perspective, then the marriage will surely fail sooner or later.”

Tracy Ahmed, a sixth generation American and convert to Islam living in Corona, California, says that her own marriage to an Egyptian in 1992 ended in divorce because – among other things – their definitions of respect were too different. “Culture was a barrier, since neither of us took the time to understand each other's culture and the impact it had on our behavior and our expectations of our roles as husband and wife,” explained Tracy, who is 43 and works in medical billing.

Cross-Cultural Marriage: Past and Present

A long history of cross-cultural marriage exists in Islam – not only did the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, marry Mariyah al-Qibtiyya, a Copt, and Safiyyah bint Huyayy, a Jewess (both of whom converted to Islam), but Muslims who spread their faith to new lands in the early days of Islam frequently married women in the local populations. In Muslim Spain, for example, a whole generation of bi-cultural children was known as al-muwaladeen – the “newborns.”

Cross-cultural marriage is, however, not so easy in many of today’s Muslim countries, some of which even have laws that discourage the practice. Women in Jordan, for example, cannot pass Jordanian citizenship to their children if they marry non-Jordanians. In the United Arab Emirates, the government gives monetary incentives to men who marry natives of the UAE rather than women from abroad, while it is illegal to marry a foreigner without obtaining special permission in Saudi Arabia.

Besides the legal obstacles, though, cross-cultural marriage is something that is just not “done” in many societies. Um Ali, a Palestinian living in Jordan, related that her decision to marry a Bangladeshi was quite unpopular with people from her village – to the point that many of the women who attended the wedding spent the entire time crying instead of rejoicing.

Some Couples Struggle

The same bias against cross-cultural marriage is sometimes found in the United States as well. A native of Pakistan who immigrated to the United States as a teenager, Badreya Smith wanted to marry co-worker Kareem, an American of English and Scottish heritage who had converted to Islam in 1996 - but her family refused the idea. “My mother was outraged,” recalled Badreya, who is a nurse and lives in Petaluma, California. “(My parents) were most worried about what ‘people’ would think. First, they ignored the situation, then they threatened to disown me, then my mother threatened to hurt herself if I persisted in seeing him. It took my family years to accept the idea of a ‘desi’ girl marrying a ‘white’ boy.”

Although things eventually worked out for Badreya and Kareem – they were married in 1998 with the assistance of Badreya’s uncle, who helped smooth out objections to the marriage - most of the couples we surveyed agreed that one of the hardest aspects of cross-cultural marriage is making sure that the in-laws on both sides are happy.

Family – A Balancing Act

“Being able to assert your own beliefs while being respectful of your in-laws’ beliefs is often a balancing act,” said Bilal. “For instance, at Christmas, we do not attend Church with Jewelle's family but we will open gifts with them.” Badreya and Kareem, on the other hand, do not exchange gifts with Kareem’s family (they give them gifts on the Eid instead), but do have dinner together. “They make dinner according to our specs,” explained Badreya, “No pork [or] alcohol. We buy the halal turkey (turkey slaughtered according to Islamic guidelines), and his mother makes it for the whole family.”

Um Abdallah, an American of European heritage who was born in Concord, California and converted to Islam in 1995, has been married to a Syrian for eleven years and calls cross-cultural marriage a “rough road.”

“I like the food and the family togetherness,” said Um Abdallah. “I do not like the nosiness and involvement in everyone’s business. I try to use Islam to clear these problems, but my type of Islam and theirs sometimes clash. Their Islam is rooted in culture, and they have a hard time seeing the difference.”

“The hardest few months are the first ones where people have to slowly be taught about each other's traditions,” explained Bilal. “But, once the families open up, they really start enjoying learning about each other. Jewelle's mother often comes to see my mom to borrow Indian clothes to impress her friends. My dad has asked Jewelle's family to buy him some of their traditional clothes. It becomes really fun when things like that start happening.”

Children Bring Hope to the Ummah

As cross-cultural couples work to bridge gaps in understanding between themselves and their families, combat stereotypes and define their roles in marriage – all within the framework of Islam, the children that come from such marriages are the ones who soak it all in. Tracy says that her children move seamlessly through the two cultures, “relating to friends of all faiths and having fun in both the masjid and on the baseball field.”

“Raising children in cross-cultural family is great for them,” remarked Aishah, whose two children speak Urdu, Spanish and English. “We try to teach them everything from an Islamic point of view first, and that makes it so much easier for them to apply it to each set of families. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, taught us to be very tolerant, patient and kind towards others. He did not teach nationalism at all. He wanted all his ummah (nation) to carry certain traits that, when applied, cross borders.”

“The only way to change a culture is from within it,” commented Bilal. “We hope [our son] gathers the best from the opportunities and the lifestyle in this country and that he is able to create new traditions and a new culture for his children.”

This article was originally published in Southern California InFocus.

Amel S. Abdullah is a freelance writer and the editor of three books, including Ripples, by Jamilah Kolocotronis.